African 05:55
President Barack Obama, in a hastily arranged press conference, praised Prime Minister Meles Zenawi as a model leader who has put the needs of his people above the needs of the wealthy.
“Today Africa has lost a bright star, his Excellency Prime Minister Zenawi has been a great partner for the West”, President Obama stated in the Rose Garden. “We shared many uplifting stories at Camp David. Prime Minister Zenawi has been an indispensable partner to America and the West as a whole. We have depended on him to free Somalia from Muslim extremists and have been undertaking yet another quest to stifle Muslim extremism in Ethiopia. We will sorely miss his leadership and we look forward to the people of Ethiopia voting in a free and fair election as they did in 2005 and voting over 99% for another model Prime Sinister—a Prime Minister—that the West can depend on and value as we valued His Excellency Zenawi.”
News of the sudden passing of Prime Minister Zenawi came as a shock to the Mass Media in the West. CNN has been forced to stop its 24/7 news coverage of Tom Cruise and Snookie and instead has sent journalists to find out more about the latest developments. Media personalities have stopped begging for followers on Twitter and are now embarking on journalism as they were taught in college by actually following leads and asking tough questions of the Ethiopian government.
Moreover, economists in the United States are now preparing for another Great Depression unsure if companies like Starbucks will be able to reap billions of dollars in profit without paying fare wages to Ethiopian coffee growers. Reached for comments from Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz referred to the memo that was sent out to SBX stockholders.
“We view a coming time of instability in Ethiopia, one of our most profitable cash cows in the world due to the passing of our most cherished clientele our valued dealer His Excellency Meles Zenawi”, stated the memo from Starbucks. “We are hopeful that the next leader of Ethiopia will be a man who will be just as willing and able to let Starbucks invest in Ethiopia. We look forward to the Ethiopian people supporting a visionary like His Excellency Meles Zenawi so that we can continue our mutually beneficial business relationship.”
News of the sudden passing of PM Zenawi sent the price per share of Starbucks crashing, as of 11:30 AM, Starbucks stock has plummeted more than 25% as coffee traders look to Ethiopia with unease unsure if Ethiopia will nationalize their coffee resources and put in place a system to brand and market their own flavor of “Yagerachif coffee”. Starbucks locations in Alexandria and Washington DC have reported near riots as the Ethiopian diaspora has been flocking to Starbucks to buy their $5.00 cups of coffee instead of buying their coffee from an Ethiopian owned Café by the name of Sidamo Coffee and Tea in Washington.
We sent a beat reporter to Sidamo Coffee and Tea thinking that there would be an overflow of Ethiopians supporting this café owned by one of their own and instead we discovered fifty Caucasians and not one Ethiopian in this Ethiopian café. In order to get reaction from Ethiopians, we dispatched to Starbucks three blocks away and there we found 80 Ethiopians sitting around talking politics in the middle of the day.
“Zis is a great day for all Ethiopians; finally we are liberated from this blood thirsty banda dictator who has oppressed all Ethiopians. This Tigray bastard deserved to die and all Tigray people need to be ethnically cleansed from Ethiopia, we need a final solution for all Tigray people”, stated a man who referred to himself as Nitro Ethiopians who refused to let us use his real name or take his picture and had on ‘I am 100% Eritrean’ t-shirt on. “We brave Ethiopians are ready to rise up, and we pray zat all Ethiopians worldwide rise up and start a revolution. We ask all youth to pick up a gun and go shoot all Tigray people, we ask that you become brave Ethiopian revolutionaries like our group Nitro Ethiopians and start a war to free Ethiopia”.
We found it a bit ironic that Nitro Ethiopians, who had on an “I am 100% Eritrean” t-shirt on, would advocate ethnic genocide and encourage all Ethiopians to be brave like him even though he did not want his picture taken nor would he let us use his real name nor reveal his location. A revolution started with a cup of coffee in an air conditioned Starbucks.
Those who support Meles Zenawi are refusing to come to terms with the sudden passing of Meles Zenawi. “Woyanes”—supporters of Meles Zenawi—are posting pictures of PM Zenawi all over Facebook playing tennis and walking down airplane steps with his wife Azeb to prove that PM Zenawi is still alive.
The National Rifle Association’s Wayne LaPierre sent out a press release stating his dejection at the sudden passing of PM Zenawi.
“We at the NRA are deeply saddened at the passing of Ethiopia. Next to Tea Party members and James Eagen Holmes, His Excellency Zenawi was a fervent supporter of the NRA,” stated LaPierre. “His commitment to AK47s and machine guns was unparalleled; Ethiopia has been the biggest importer of assault weapons are we are deeply saddened by the death of our biggest client His Excellency Meles Zenawi. However, we are certain that the next leader of Ethiopia will continue to purchase more machine guns instead of feeding his people and investing in health care”
Dr. Embi, the leader of one of Ethiopia’s 66 political parties “Yet Another Useless Acronym Liberation Front” stated his remorse for the passing of Meles Zenawi.
“To be honest, we at “YAUALF are at a loss of words to explain how we are truly depressed that Zenawi passed away,” stated Dr. Embi. “Without Meles as a boogie man, we are not sure if the Ethiopian Diaspora will continue to give us money and support us. We urgently need another blood thirsty dictator that will continue to harass Ethiopians and scare them to death so that we can continue to raise hundreds of thousands of dollars so we can continue to have our meetings at Renaissance hotels and I can continue to call myself Doctor and “Founder”. To be honest, without a tyrant like Meles Zenawi, I will actually have to get a real job instead of traveling the world in first-class accommodations to various symposiums to advocate for Democracy in Ethiopia”.
Meles Zenawi, dead at the age of 57 before his time and will be sorely missed by his people. His Excellency Zenawi will be buried at Hellgeba Cemetery on Saturday, August 18th in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Gone too soon, but never forgotten by his people, Meles Zenawi will forever be mentioned in the folklore of African leaders for delivering change in Ethiopia by lifting millions of Ethiopians from poverty and as a transformational feminist standard bearer for making prostitution a booming business in Ethiopia and giving children in Ethiopia access to potable water for free from the sewer systems of Addis Sheraton. His Excellency Zenawi will be forever remembered as the greatest African leader since Menelik.
Of course if you have not figured it out by now, this as satire—as in fake news meant to make you think. We here at Brown Condor do not write lies, our standard for everything that we write is that we have to verify all things published from at least four independent sources and one of those sources have to be non-Ethiopians. We need solid proof that our stories are true and we have be able to independently verify all stories before we go to print . Our stance is that our stories have to be corroborated and proven as true, we do not take the stance that “if it’s not proven as false, it must be true” as many in the Ethiopian media world and political opposition members seem to take.
The truth is that no one knows what the fate of Meles Zenawi is, it is irresponsible to print anything with respect to his health and well-being because no one knows. It is irresponsible to send press releases announcing his death knowing its false as some try to incite riots and it is ignorant to post pictures of Meles and his wife stepping of planes from two years ago to prove his health. We will be the first to print an obituary once we are able to verify the passing of Meles Zenawi, and even then, we will not gloat, for as much as we are against Meles Zenawi, we do not wish any man death—we just pray for PM Zenawi and the rest of Ethiopia justice and freedom above all. You cannot fight injustice and tyranny with lies. Those who want to replace Meles Zenawi should fight with truth and never revert to lies. Truth is a guiding light, lies will lead to more tyranny and injustice.
The only time that we deviate from this standard is when we occasionally publish a satire piece in order to prove a point. What point are we trying to make with this article? We could go on and spell that to you for another three pages, but we will leave it up to you to form your own conclusions and tell us what message we are trying to prove and what thought we are trying to provoke. You tell us below what you got out of this article and we apologize in advance for “playing a trick on you”, satire is at times cruel because it highlights our own hypocrisy and our own duplicity. We hope that you continue reading Brown Condor because we strive to do nothing more and nothing less than provoke thought in our community and report the verifiable news and truth as we see it.
Moreover, if you care about Ethiopia, please contact CNN, MSNBC, FOX, Washington Post, New York Times, etc. Tell them to get off their collective asses and find out what is going on in Ethiopia! Ethiopia is on the brink of Civil War and the Mass Media is doing nothing to find out about the health of Melez Zenawi. Please email them, tweet them this article URL, Facebook them, call them etc. You can find out the contact info for each Mass Media from the West by going to their website. Contact them and tell them to stop reporting about Snooky and acting like Yellow Journalists and instead report on the health and well-being of PM Meles Zenawi. Ask simply, WHERE IS MELES! Please communicate that message to ALL Mass Media outlets. Use Twitter and Facebook for something worthwhile.
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